How have I used some of the words below to improve a description of a busy shopping centre? Which is the best?
The streets were packed with lots of people searching for the latest bargains. They rushed into each other, sometimes crashing into other walkers and muttering apologies. A bag of shopping fell to the floor and scattered onto the pavement. |
Well-written. Some zooming-in some interesting verbs(“muttering…scattered”) – not very figurative. |
The streets swarmed with shoppers. A woman hovered by a shop window and scanned the best prices. The buzz of traffic was a constant companion for the bargain-hunters. |
Well-written. Very natural use of ‘bee’ imagery – not forced – ambitious and confident. |
The shoppers were like bees, buzzing all around the shops trying to make their honey – or money - go further. Like bees in a hive they swarmed over the best prices and flew through the alleyways for a shortcut. |
Tries hard to use figures of speech but maybe too forced. Not always well-chosen – could take a less ‘obvious’ approach. |